Today I realized, was the first day that Jack and I were alone together. It was quite the day. I decided that I would make it a goal to finish cleaning the house, which meant I had to get the master bedroom, bath, and kitchen finished. In addition, I wanted to start weaning Jack from sleeping on me/JR all the time, and finish laundry. Boy, am I naive. Jack barely wanted to sleep, which of course is ok, cause we played, sang, had tummy time, took a bath, and cuddled. But when he fell asleep I would put him down. Whether it was in his bouncy chair, swing, the floor, the couch, or in his crib I attempted to let him go. The longest stretch? 20 whole minutes. It took me all day to do most of the above list. I didn't get to the master bedroom, but everything else got done. I successfully went through not 1, not 2, but 3 shirts (thank goodness they were "cleaning clothes) because Jack wanted to share his meals. But his onesie survived all day!
So, my question is? How the hell do working mothers get ANYTHING done? How do you put the baby down? I know that you have to create a schedule, and this was just day one of that for Jack and I, but man...I want to take advantage of all the time I have left with him, but at the same time, I want to make sure we are working towards sleeping alone. Also, I have weekends off, not entire weeks, the way cleaning went today...my house will never REALLY be clean unless JR and I are off at the same time. The good thing is, he has a streak of AM shifts, so that works to our advantage because I can get cleaning or workouts done once he gets home. The hard part about that is right now he is working, and that seems unfair. However, when I go back to work, then it will even out and I won't feel as guilty. Though I did realize, that with a little adapting, we can do this.
Today during tummy time, Jack really started to look at the toys, not fully mind you, but a start. He even hit one of them, and reacted to it for the first time. How exciting to see him start to develop...it is simply amazing. On the down side, I am down to one or two nursing sessions a day. And I never thought I would, but I am so sad about it. When they say that motherhood changes you, they aren't kidding! The connection you get when you are able to nurse the baby is one I wouldn't have traded for a million dollars. I am so glad I got the time I did with him to do that. They are only this small for so long, relying on you for their nutrition and warmth...truly amazing. I am so angry that this bacterial infection took the time I had hoped to have nursing. I think it is finally setting in. I am so mad about this whole situation. I am proud to have been able to continue to nurse even a little still to this day, but angry that our little man had to go through this at all. To have been infected by this bacteria, to be torn apart by it, and to have had to spend the first month of his life in a hospital. I can't help but feel cheated. At the same time, I look at how Jack took this month...How JR, and I both handled it. Even more so, I believe that God doesn't give you anything you can't handle. It made us stronger as individuals, and as a family unit...well we are ROCK solid. My husband stood tall, and stuck right next to our son during all the nasty procedures, if they would have allowed us in the OR, he would have been there. He talked Jack through the pain, and fear I am sure he was having and for that I have to say I am so much more in love with that man than I was prior to this situation. He admitted when the day was too much, and it takes alot for him to do that. He recognized when I could no longer be strong and made sure that I had a foundation to stand on, and a man standing next to me. Our Jack, at 2 weeks under went his first surgery, and woke up the next day like nothing happened. He pushed through a second surgery, many needle sticks to various places in his body including his spine and his head...my son is so strong! I can only hope to be as strong as the two men who completed my life. So, I do feel a little guilty about feeling sad I can't nurse my son...because in the grand scheme of things it is not a big deal. Because he was able to get strong...and deal with the very difficulty first month of his life. However, I need to buck up, and look forward to the amazing bonding we have feeding now even with bottles...and look forward to the kisses, hugs, and "I love you mommy"'s that I know I will be hearing in the coming years. But...I will savor each nursing session we have...because to me...they are priceless.
He is still a little swollen in both feet, but JR thinks that they have gone down. So that is good to know. No fever at all today...and for the most part he seemed very happy (except when I put him down). Our Jack is strong!
I am going to try and get a good video of my guy for you tomorrow...have an amazing Sunday. Oh...and to those at Gasparilla, and Princess...good luck! I will be following your progress. Jack, JR, and I will join next year!
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